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I came to the rotation feeling weak. I was recovering from profuse diarrhea that I have developed over the weekend. I just came from the UNC Hospital in Chapel Hill with my class. We dealt with burn victims and stayed there since Thursday night. I must’ve eaten something rotten along the way. That, or my GI tract got irritated somehow.

So anyway, today, I was assigned to be at the Pediatric Emergency Department. My preceptor gave me an opportunity to be part of a resuscitation team working with a 1 month-old cardiac arrest baby who just came in. I didn’t hear the specifics at that time since I was tasked with doing compressions on the infant’s chest [compressions as in pushing down on the chest during CPR]. The doctor wanted me to go faster and the respiratory therapist showed me how but pretty much took over after I let go. At this point, the adrenaline in my body really kicked in: I forgot about my diarrhea, or weakness. I was ready to get this baby up and about. Cardiac arrest? That is sooo cool. It’s so awesome that they’re allowing me to be doing this!

When I had nothing to do at the scene, my preceptor ordered me to insert a nasogastric tube [NG tube] down the infant. I have never put down an NG tube on a real person ever before, much less on a 1 month-old baby, but hey, this was the ER, and they want it done right now, so off I went, pushing that small tube down that baby’s nose. It was difficult to do and I couldn’t put it in–I met resistance–so I told the nurses around me that I was having trouble with it. One of them took over, met resistance as well, and eventually was instructed by the doctor to forget about that NG tube.

Things happened so quickly and there were a LOT of people all cramped into that tiny room. Some were other physicians who were merely observing, others the nurses, paramedics, and the actual resuscitation team. Monitors were attached, epinephrine was stuck onto the thighs, the physician was calmly barking out orders, the respiratory therapist was doing the compressions, the nurses were all over the place–at the midst of all this, I intently watched the infant, seemingly lifeless one second, seemingly animated the next. I prayed for it to survive. In fact, I was positive that it would survive. Cardiac arrest? Psh. Just strap on the defibrillators and you’re good to go.

However, in what I would describe as an Emergency Department version of a blitzkrieg gone awry, the people just stopped, took off their gloves, and left the room.

You will hate me for this analogy, but it just felt like that episode on Grey’s Anatomy where the donor organ harvest team quickly went into the room, and, in David’s words, “sliced and diced” the deceased patient, harvested the organs, and left. I forgot which character was left in the room, but when everybody else left, it hit her: this patient is human, this patient is dead, and what the hell happened? She just wept. That’s exactly how I felt, and that is exactly what I did.

The monitors were behind me and I have not looked at them during the whole code, and this time, I had the opportunity to do so. I looked behind me, and my heart sank: 0 heart rate, a flatline, and 6 respirations.

The baby’s dead.

In a part-idiot, part-panicked attempt to know what and why and because, I held the baby’s hand in my gloved finger. Cold. I squeezed its arm. Cold. My hands and feet are usually really cold, but this kind of cold flesh is something I have never felt before.

It was Death. It was Demise. It was that baby, dead.

Then it just hit me. I remember the physician [bless his heart, he was amazing], turn to me and started explaining what had happened. Tears started forming in my eyes. I had drowned out his words. It was just all too overwhelming, I couldn’t take it.

I wept.

I wept for that baby.

I wept for that baby’s parents.

I wept for my naïveté.

I somehow ended up being led into the staff break room, crying.

I never had anyone die on me like that: not even a pet. My heart was broken; it still is, and I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again, ever.

Frozen Sink Water, originally uploaded by Pam Q..

So I was washing my face and brushing my teeth last night at about 1:00 AM, and as I was rinsing off the toothpaste, I noticed that the water suddenly started forming ice at the bottom of the sink. So yeah. It was so cold that water from the faucet starts freezing. Damn.

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Sorry for the lack of updates. Ever since I came to this bloodyfriggin’ program, I had no time for anything else. Sort of frozen, like this sink water. I had to give up a lot of things and people–blogging included. I did, however, continue to update my microblogging outlets such as my Facebook status, twitter, and the latest one, plurk.

I did find blessing in this bloodyfriggin’ program, however. I met people who I greatly respect and met about two who I consider kindred spirits.

I’ll write a proper blog entry next time. For now, I hope you’ll be content in knowing that yes, I am still alive. I may have given up writing [for now], but know that this blog is always around for your entertainment and mine. Also, if you haven’t done so yet, you may want to check out the archives and find a couple of my more entertaining/angsty entries from a couple of years back.

That’s what I’ve been telling everyone ever since I’ve heard of this book’s “ingenious concept”.

“The Secret reveals the most powerful law in the universe.

“Without exception, every human being has the ability to transform any weakness or suffering into strength, power, perfect peace, health, and abundance…

“The Secret explains with simplicity the law that is governing all lives, and offers the knowledge of how to create – intentionally and effortlessly – a joyful life. This is the secret to everything – the secret to unlimited happiness, love, health and prosperity. ”
–Official Site

The book (and audiobook and movie and website and diary and lunchbox and undies) talks about the Law of Attraction. In a nutshell, when you think of something, you’ll get it. Positive thoughts attract positive outcomes, and vice-versa. I haven’t read it–I don’t think that I even plan on doing so–yet from what I have been hearing from the reviews and write-ups, I think that this is all common sense. People have been doing it for years… what’s so new about it?

Miss Jackie’s Collage

You see, back in my old university in the Philippines, UP Manila, my English professor picked me together with a friend, Essel, to join her and her other hand-picked students for some dinner and a mini get-together and party of sorts.

So he and I attended the thing (it was at Blue Frog, in Malate, Manila) just because it’s such an honor to get picked by your professor for something that sounds so exclusive. Late into the evening, we found out that our professor, Miss Lumain, is actually a Life Coach. You know, those people you pay to make your life better.

That evening, she taught us how to get our Hearts’ Desire.

How to Get Your Heart’s Desire:

1. Gather some old magazines, construction paper, scissors, and glue on a table. You are going to make a collage.
2. Browse through your magazines and pick out all the items that you desire. You may pick out these pictures and attach literal or figurative significance to them.
3. Make sure that you truly–truly, madly, deeply–desire these things.
4. Using your scissors, cut out the pictures that represent your desires and paste them on to your construction paper. Finish off your collage.
5. Admire your work. Make sure that you allow the images to seep in to your inner consciousness.
6. Wait a couple of days/months/weeks/years. One or all of your desired objects would be given to you, and your wish(es) will come true.

Simple enough, eh?

“Who is skeptical about this exercise?” she asked.

Essel and I both raised our hands.

“You don’t believe in this?”

“It’s hard to believe in it,” Essel answered. “It might not work.”

“What would you do if it did?”

Fast-forward to November 6, 2005. It was early evening of my little “going away” house party. I was leaving for the United States on the 9th. Essel wasn’t able to come, and he sent me an SMS stating his apology. Along with it, he also said that,

“pam, nagkatotoo yung isa sa mga nilagay ko kay ma’am lumain!”
(translation: “Pam, the one of the things that I placed there in Ma’am Lumain’s [collage] came true!”)

I asked him what it was, but I don’t remember receiving his reply. Whatever it was, it came true after a few weeks.

Three months after I did that exercise, I got that new car and laptop. Okay, the car may not be registered under my name ( XD ) though I am its primary driver anyway.

This may all seem far-fetched to you (it still seems far-fetched to me as well XD ), but I read something off O Magazine (okay, guilty… ) that backs up all this positivity and visualization logic.

I’ll tell you all about it on my next blog entry…

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Sorry for not posting anything in a long, long time. My sister, Andi, just came home to the Philippines right after the holidays, and school immediately began right after, so things just went busier than I had imagined. School rocks and I am having lots of fun in my classes. A particular favourite would be my Philosophy class, which I am taking under Dr. Geller whom I have met with my dad early last year, at the Honors College banquet.

So many changes are taking place for me this year, though I don’t believe that I am even ready to tell you all about it.

Earlier in life, I had thought that my life was simply like a highway: it goes on a straight, distinct path and even if I may not know what goes beyond what my eye can see, I know that it simply goes on straight and right ahead. I thought that it was all so simple: after graduating from MCHS, I’d get into my dream university, UP Diliman, then perhaps study something to become a doctor, or a writer, or be both. I would graduate and pursue higher than higher education, and just be, as what Julie referred to me back in high school: “an over-achieving biatch”.

All of that never really happened. UP Manila happened, and moving to the US had to happen. UNC happened. I chose the university closest to home, switched my majors and all that jazz… I never knew it could get that complicated. I thought that it would all be simple.

It never was.

I guess just like Anne, I’ve taken a bend on the road. Well, I’ve taken a couple of turns along the way, and all this uncertainty–all these changes–are rather overwhelming. There’s just so many sacrifices to make, so many new opportunities to take on, and so many old dreams to let go of in order to pursue, yes, the same thing, albeit through a detour.

I speak in riddles. XD Pardon me, I’m not ready to let it all out. Not yet.

I sure hope that this all works out. I really want it to work out.

I miss you guys….

Loving everyone from NC,

Pam

PS: For your laughter and mine, well, randomguy is BACK! I received yet another fun letter from him! More on him next time…

2. When people ask for your age, you still have to calculate it because you just simply lost track after 18.

3. You wish that you were sixteen forever…

4. …but on the other hand, you do feel like a sixteen year-old stuck in this adult body.

5. You find yourself saying the phrase “back in high school” far too often.

6. You romanticize and idealize your high school experiences too much.

7. You realize that the 1990′s babies are all grown-up now [you being the 80's baby that you are].

8. By the time you realize #7, you get depressed.

9. You think that age is more than a number and make a big deal out of it.

10. You wish that you were 21 so even if you were a twentynothingsomething, you could start drinking legally and drown in the depths of despair along with your two new buddies, Mr.Daniel and Mr.Mule [and perhaps Senor Zapata, as well]. XD

11. You keep on referring to twenty-somethings as twenty-nothings. [Which is bad, I think.] XD

12. You would refer to anyone 19 years old and below as a “kid”.

13. If you are a twenty-nothingsomething and single, your folks would bug you about getting a boy/girlfriend.

14. If you already have one, they’ll keep warning you not to get married.

15. You then realize that you have to get a job…

16. …but then again, you’re aiming for “young, wild, and free [and maybe failure to launch, as well]” so why get a job? XD

17. You write essays to get free cash for school textbooks.

18. You’re busting your a** in preparation for med school.

19. All of the above items apply to you.

20. Upon reading #19, you get depressed.

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One thing I’ve realized after all these years is that birthdays aren’t all about the material stuff–heck, my mom gave me tons of make-up so that I would start “acting like a girl”–as if I weren’t already . Birthdays were invented so that people would remember each other. I use birthdays as an excuse to say hi to that certain someone whom I haven’t talked to in ages, or that somebody whom I’ve found myself to drift away from through the years.

It’s all basically an excuse to poke somebody out of the blue and not feel embarrassed about it.

Thanks to those who remembered [who poked, prodded, messaged, rang, and texted], and to those who didn’t, as well.

Last night, all I asked God was for me to be happy.

Today, I really am.

I love my life: that new house we’re getting built is looking fantastic, the people around me are just fabulous, my friends are all so thoughtful, and my family just rocks.

I love everyone. ♥

*starts a new chapter in my life-book*

My current host, Stonerocket is taking down their free hosting service, so now, I have a few more days to pack up and look for another web host.

Aside from the aforementioned reason, I have been busy for these past few days. My siblings and I just came from New York on a seven-day escapade. It was a fun experience–more on that on my next blog entry. Fixing up stuff for the house has been taking most of my time, as do errands and whatnot [oh, a driver's license can do all these things to you...].

I am thinking of changing this layout [and the website concept as a whole], but my Adobe Photoshop CS2 Trial just expired. Will find a way.

Anyway, that’s all for now. ‘Til my next one!

People just love to celebrate. They assign special symbolism for specific numbers or specific points in time. That is the reason why mankind invented calendars, numbers, ages, birthdays, and the notion of time.

“Time. A footspan on eternity’s trail.”

Time flies so fast… It moves too soon… In one of Bilbo Baggins‘ riddles featured in JRR Tolkien’s The Hobbit, a riddle for time goes:

“This thing all things devours:
Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;
Gnaws iron, bites steel;
Slays king, ruins town,
And beats high mountain down. “

And that is the reality of life. We age, we grow, and we die. We fear that we are losing time as it quickly slips away from our fingers–but alas! we never lose time. Time has always been here: it never grows, it merely continues. It stretches and diminishes, depending on one’s senses. It crawls in the dark, and hides in the shadows, unnoticed and dimmed by mirth and gaeity, but leaps on towards you, when you least expect it… and you realize that all that mirth and gaeity are but mirrors and illusions: trickery to haze up your mind and shield you from reality.

But what is that reality? What is that realization that youth hides from us?

I don’t know either, so I guess all we have to do is find out ourselves.

“Now is the only time there is. Make your now wow,
your minutes miracles, and your days pay. Your
life will have been magnificently lived and
invested, and when you die you will have made a
difference.”
- Mark Victor Hansen

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This is my 100th blog entry.
Thank you for all your comments and support.
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Kitten should be in New Jersey by now. I hope you had a nice trip, dear!