I probably shouldn’t have watched that movie this past Friday, but whatever. I probably shouldn’t have watched my missed Castle episode, either. But then again, at least I had some semblance of “fun” for the week. I need my lost 3 1/2 hours for some more study time, though. Two back-to-back 12-hour clinicals, 2 big exams on the same day, 2 self-reflections due the same night, and a boatload of crap to finish this week.Two by two, hands of blue? “FML” doesn’t fit in here.

I’ll quote Kate Beckett, instead: “I have no life.”

/wrist
/brachial artery
/carotid artery
/aorta

… and lots of *headdesk* arrghs and ash nazg gimbatul– May 8, 2010: I NEED YOU NOW.

[!--End Rant--]

PS: This isn’t a real blog entry, I know. I was supposed to post this on Facebook, but it was too long for a status message… and I had to vent this out somewhere… hence the utilization of this dear old blog of mine.

Halloween is the stupidest, most pointless, blatantly banal consumerist “holiday” invented by the West. I understand X’mas, Father’s/Mother’s Day etc. They’re rooted in traditions that make sense. The premise of Halloween fails to make logical sense at all. What’s the point? Costumes? Candy? Closet sluts coming out? I’m leaning towards the latter, by the way. Halloween is the only time of the year where girls are allowed to look, dress, and act like sluts.

– cynical Me

It’s a good thing that government offices and businesses don’t close shop on Halloween and they don’t consider it a “real” holiday.

Oh, and for the record: I don’t celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, either. I’m not Irish. Why would I force myself to celebrate something that does not have any significance for me? Why must I wear green? It is not rooted in my personal traditions and I could not bear to adopt it either as it makes no sense for me to celebrate it.

On the other hand, there is the example of the universal holiday of Thanksgiving. I have adopted the celebration of Thanksgiving since it is a way for me to give thanks for the blessings from this nation, as well as use it as an opportunity to get together with family. I celebrate Christmas because it is rooted in the Christian faith and is carved into my family traditions. I know that it draws from Pagan traditions as well, but we are focusing on the Christian aspect since the point of this rant is all about how I only celebrate things that I consider significant to my life experience. You know, I don’t force it. [NB: Slutty Halloween girls = FORCED.]

But Halloween? Sure, I guess I understand the “oh, let the kids play dress up and have candy” part of it, but what about the sluts coming out at night? I swear, I think that’s what Halloween is for: absolute rubbish.

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2. When people ask for your age, you still have to calculate it because you just simply lost track after 18.

3. You wish that you were sixteen forever…

4. …but on the other hand, you do feel like a sixteen year-old stuck in this adult body.

5. You find yourself saying the phrase “back in high school” far too often.

6. You romanticize and idealize your high school experiences too much.

7. You realize that the 1990′s babies are all grown-up now [you being the 80's baby that you are].

8. By the time you realize #7, you get depressed.

9. You think that age is more than a number and make a big deal out of it.

10. You wish that you were 21 so even if you were a twentynothingsomething, you could start drinking legally and drown in the depths of despair along with your two new buddies, Mr.Daniel and Mr.Mule [and perhaps Senor Zapata, as well]. XD

11. You keep on referring to twenty-somethings as twenty-nothings. [Which is bad, I think.] XD

12. You would refer to anyone 19 years old and below as a “kid”.

13. If you are a twenty-nothingsomething and single, your folks would bug you about getting a boy/girlfriend.

14. If you already have one, they’ll keep warning you not to get married.

15. You then realize that you have to get a job…

16. …but then again, you’re aiming for “young, wild, and free [and maybe failure to launch, as well]” so why get a job? XD

17. You write essays to get free cash for school textbooks.

18. You’re busting your a** in preparation for med school.

19. All of the above items apply to you.

20. Upon reading #19, you get depressed.

* * * * *

One thing I’ve realized after all these years is that birthdays aren’t all about the material stuff–heck, my mom gave me tons of make-up so that I would start “acting like a girl”–as if I weren’t already . Birthdays were invented so that people would remember each other. I use birthdays as an excuse to say hi to that certain someone whom I haven’t talked to in ages, or that somebody whom I’ve found myself to drift away from through the years.

It’s all basically an excuse to poke somebody out of the blue and not feel embarrassed about it.

Thanks to those who remembered [who poked, prodded, messaged, rang, and texted], and to those who didn’t, as well.

Last night, all I asked God was for me to be happy.

Today, I really am.

I love my life: that new house we’re getting built is looking fantastic, the people around me are just fabulous, my friends are all so thoughtful, and my family just rocks.

I love everyone. ♥

*starts a new chapter in my life-book*

People just love to celebrate. They assign special symbolism for specific numbers or specific points in time. That is the reason why mankind invented calendars, numbers, ages, birthdays, and the notion of time.

“Time. A footspan on eternity’s trail.”

Time flies so fast… It moves too soon… In one of Bilbo Baggins‘ riddles featured in JRR Tolkien’s The Hobbit, a riddle for time goes:

“This thing all things devours:
Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;
Gnaws iron, bites steel;
Slays king, ruins town,
And beats high mountain down. “

And that is the reality of life. We age, we grow, and we die. We fear that we are losing time as it quickly slips away from our fingers–but alas! we never lose time. Time has always been here: it never grows, it merely continues. It stretches and diminishes, depending on one’s senses. It crawls in the dark, and hides in the shadows, unnoticed and dimmed by mirth and gaeity, but leaps on towards you, when you least expect it… and you realize that all that mirth and gaeity are but mirrors and illusions: trickery to haze up your mind and shield you from reality.

But what is that reality? What is that realization that youth hides from us?

I don’t know either, so I guess all we have to do is find out ourselves.

“Now is the only time there is. Make your now wow,
your minutes miracles, and your days pay. Your
life will have been magnificently lived and
invested, and when you die you will have made a
difference.”
- Mark Victor Hansen

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This is my 100th blog entry.
Thank you for all your comments and support.
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Kitten should be in New Jersey by now. I hope you had a nice trip, dear!

Currently, I am reading Neil Gaiman‘s “Smoke and Mirrors”, a collection of his various short stories. I got this copy of the text he wrote for this Christmas card:

Nicholas was…older than sin, and his beard could grow no whiter. He wanted to die.

The dwarfish natives of the Artic caverns did not speak his language, but they conversed in their own, twittering tongue, conducted incomprehensible rituals, when they were not actually working in the factories.

Once every year they forced him, sobbing and protesting, into Endless Night. During the journey he would stand near every child in the world, leave one of the dwarves’ invisible gifts by his bedside. The children slept, frozen into time.

He envied Promitheus and Loki, Sisyphus and Judas. His punishment was harsher.

Ho.

Ho.

Ho.

I think most of us would feel the same way as Gaiman’s rendition of “jolly ol’ Saint Nick”. Everything has been turning into routine: plain, old, boring, [almost robotic and humanoid] r o u t i n e : wake up, bathe, dress up, eat, work your ass off in school, go home, work your ass off at home, sleep, dream empty dreams… and wake up in another mechatronic sub-human routine.

It’s all routine. Even this Christmas thing feels like routine. We are all but pretty puppets dancing to the beat of an unknown master. We are all but screwed robots following pre-programmed commands. We are all but blind followers of routine.

But we can’t help it… For this is the only way that we could survive.

In a dog-eat-dog-eat-other-animals-aside-from-dog world, shit happens… And anything goes.

People seek comfort and safety in conformity and a “stable”, routine environment.

But do you know what I really want?

I want to break free of routine.

I want to be my own master: make my own set of rules; escape from this corrupted “civilization”… I just want to breathe.

Can you feel the longing, too?

Can you feel it?

Related link: http://www.xkcd.com/137/